Movin' on Up

Dear Col,

I'm going to be moving into my new apartment in a few days, and want to make sure to impress all of my new neighbors.

Do you have any advice on how to become the coolest and most popular guy on the block?

-Patrick


Dear Patrick,

There are the classic tricks to get everyone to notice you like putting up christmas lights all year long, the pink flamingo, a wonderfully embroidered flag displaying the season, or making your apartment resemble a crack house - that one really gets the gossip going.

However I feel the way to become the coolest kid is to appear to know celebrities. Let's face it, if you can name drop people will want to get to know you so they can meet these celebs and feel important. I feel the best way to fake it is to steal or collect cardboard cut outs of celebs. I'm sure you could find a star wars character, an athlete, and probably tom cruise hanging out in stores. I feel you could do what Kevin did in the Home Alone franchise. Make it look like these celebs crash at your house by attaching them to a toy train set so it seems that they are gliding in and out of the rooms in your house. You should probably also play your music pretty loud so people want to see where it's coming from. May I suggest a classic like Mambo Number 5?

The End is Near

March 13, 2006

In a remarkable speech over the weekend, Secretary of Health and Human Services Michael Leavitt recommended that Americans start storing canned tuna and powdered milk under their beds as the prospect of a deadly bird flu outbreak approaches the United States.

What is your opinion on this course of action? Do glasses of rehydrated milk and tuna sandwiches really prevent bird flu?


Dear He Who Is Not Named,

I feel like if I had to close myself off from the world in order to prevent an outbreak of this "bird flu" I would want better food than tuna and milk. That's pretty gross actually. You know I would def risk my health in order to make a run to the 7-11 to pick up a Chipwich (delicious dessert composed of ice-cream that is sandwiched by two big, soft chocolate chip cookies). I would also probably get sick of eating tuna aReal fast. I mean sure it lasts but what about mayo? You need that in order to make tuna eatable. I mean if it's going to stink up the place (and it will) I wouldn't want the smell to remind me of how dry it was without the mayo.

Also let's say I was still lactose intolerant, what am I to drink then? But let's look into this more closely, what's wrong with bottled water, suddenly we're too good for it?

MY emergency plan involves a TV connected to a DVD player, Netflix (delivered to my door so I don't have to go out in public), a 12 pound weight (so I can continue to sculpt my guns), Banana Bread (because it's awesome), Ice Cream (again, awesome), WATER (because its logical), canned goods (peas, creamed corn, cranberry sause), probably some hard liquior (in case I do get bird flu might as well get drunk - though I would probably only get wine coolers and that would take awhile), and then a can of cashews because they are so damn good. Then of course Ramen because they are like 20 cents each.

But colleen, what about meats?

Well I would also just get a fridge and fill it with Oscar Mayer hot dogs AND those small pre-cooked chickens you can get at any supermarket. Those will keep. And I'll just use a microwave or an oven. Maybe I'll do a two for one and get a micro-fridge. After all how long do they think this Bird Flu thing is going to last? It's not the damn ice age its just a pandemic.

Project Runway

Dear Col,

I know that you may have fallen behind with the Project Runway finale, as well as our budding friendship, but I was just curious to know what your feelings about the short and unexpected victory of cloe were. I know that I am a total "Dan Fan" as are you, so tell me what you think as I am almost appauled.

Thanks.
Confused in Building T

Dear Confused in Building T,

well I talked to my brother about this just the other day. He saw the finale and I still have not. He told me that Daniels stuff was good but not what you expected. I was rooting for Dan, though I felt oddly hopeful for Santino. I feel that they semi-redeemed him in the episode before the last. Showing his softer side that was less cocky asshole and more like the Dad from Seventh Heaven who gives you pearls of wisdom and cries alot - I know Santino didn't really cry but I feel like that Dad is always on the verge of tears at the end of that show - not that I watch it, I saw it a couple times in High School because my friend Liz thought the cheesiness of it was hilarious.

I'm glad Cloe won for a few reasons. One she is a lady and the other two were men, gay men, but men nonetheless. I don't quite understand how gay men are able to design more clothes for the ladies than ladies do. So yay for her to represent. Second she is asian and I HEART asians. There are stereotypes that they are very smart and like to eat rice and their language sounds funny to us BUT true or untrue they are awesome and amazingly good at Dance Dance Revolution. Perhaps this is why she won, she threw her Asian Invasion our way.

Hmmm...I wonder if she sews with chop sticks?

No 24?! WHAT?!??

Dear Col,

I just saw this weeks episodes of 24. Can we please all have a moment of silence for the fallen hero (name left out incase anyone else hasn't seen it yet)?

-Shott

Dear (Dan) Shott,

Yeah how about we not talk about it because Colleen missed it and this is a tragedy upon all others. We can have a moment of silence for me and the unfortunate situation I find myself in. Now I will have to illegally download it. See what happens when you don't have Tivo?! I don't see how the govt or who ever is in charge of catching people who download stuff can justify themselves. They are hunting down us poor college kids who can't afford any cable or even a TV with rabbit ears. How else I am supposed to watch the quality TV I missed?! Alas, I am forced into a corner - which thankfully has a computer with internet. Score!

Why did you miss it col? And why aren't you around a TV?

Good question. I'm in NY staying with some college friends who don't have TV or Cable. How they can live like this, I have no idea. At least steal it from someone! So here I am sans my 24. I might as well have died - inside a little, well not really a little but a bunch. The media consuming part of my soul has def taken a blow, that's for sure.

Worst part is, I might miss it again this coming Monday. This is very unacceptable. So if anyone knows where the best place to download this extremely necessary piece of television entertainment please share. For I refer to it as my visual crack and if I go without it for more than 2 weeks you know I'll be tweaking aREAL soon.

Cheer up, Webmail!

Dear Col,

I would like to know why your college mail system is a piece? I have in the last two weeks tried to send you e-mail from two different email addresses, but keep getting them sent back with a warning to stop sending you SPAM. How dare you! I would never send you mechanically seperated meat and I'm hurt that your college thinks so. Any solutions to my meat problems?

email-less in NY
(wid)


Dear email-less in NY aka Wid aka Liz,

This is rather surprizing to me as I usually recieve your mass emails to the LI folk. I think maybe the email system has been feeling kind of down because no one really talks to him, you know. They are always like oh hey email, um could you give this to Colleen. People never really ask how he's doing. And lately, he's not doing too good. I heard that his wife left him and they are now in a custody battle for the kids and furniture. It's rough so I think he might be holding on to the only thing he can control, how I recieve my email.

I mean I'd talk to him about it but I don't really want to hear him complain about life, I mean that's what you pay a shrink for. Plus if I do talk to him and seem like I really care he'll probably get clingly and then ask me to hang out and I'll tell him I'm too busy and he'll get annoyed and probably not get any of my mail - even if it is like a delicious fruit basket which he KNOWS i'll really enjoy. So count me out of the self pity trip I just can't afford it right now.

As for SPAM, people always ridicule this struggling meat form. I mean we aren't all perfect, I'm sure there are things even super models don't like about their bodies before they go and get plastic surgery to fix it. SPAM has got heart, and you know people are buying it somewhere, most likely a place where the people need TONS of sodium to survive. There SPAM is king. Personally I've never had it but I'm sure it means well. Now Liz, if you want to start your own cheaply packed meat company I say go to the geocery store and buy assorted meats and plastic zip lock bags. Cut up the meat, print out some label, throw it into the zip up with some ice and pretend you hunted it yourself or that it's from france and charge a ridiculous amount of money. Either that or imprint the face of Jesus on everyone and sell them on ebay.

And look I'll try to talk to my email about this problem, but for now I've got a new guy on the side. His name is gmail. So if you need to get your messages through he's your guy just meet up at the docks at midnight. He looks kinda shady but he's really nice. The code word is: colleen.evanson@gmail.com

Happy Trails

Oh no you didn't

Dear Col,

Can you believe the nerve of people out there on the internet? They'll launch a new website, say, onlyincali.com for example, and then they'll go make posts on other people's sites for no other reason then to advertise theirs. I mean are people just that desperate to get their sites up and running and getting hits? What do you think should be done to these people?

- a digital pimp

Dear Digital Pimp,

I can understand the need to post on my site as it is seen by probably the whole entire world, but posting on some small independent website isn't where the sweet sweet money is. As a pimp I'm sure you enjoy hangin out with Benjamin. I frequent his house.

Personally, and I'm being completely honest here, I have so much power over the internet - I basically invented it with Al Gore - that I could shut down any of these feeble attempts at online fame. How dare they mooch off the successful blogs! This is an outrage! I suggest if they have a contact us or email address to just sent them tons of Forwarded emails. Or you could find a nice Hallmark card and write scathing remarks on it to catch them by surprise. They'll be all "Oh someone loves me so much they sent me a nice card with a fuzzy teddy bear!" and they you will write stuff like "You suck" and they'll be all sad and bummed.

that's the more passive way to go, and I'm sure as a digital pimp you are aware of the digital knives you could get to, how shall I say, "cut them fools."