Cheer up, Webmail!

Dear Col,

I would like to know why your college mail system is a piece? I have in the last two weeks tried to send you e-mail from two different email addresses, but keep getting them sent back with a warning to stop sending you SPAM. How dare you! I would never send you mechanically seperated meat and I'm hurt that your college thinks so. Any solutions to my meat problems?

email-less in NY
(wid)


Dear email-less in NY aka Wid aka Liz,

This is rather surprizing to me as I usually recieve your mass emails to the LI folk. I think maybe the email system has been feeling kind of down because no one really talks to him, you know. They are always like oh hey email, um could you give this to Colleen. People never really ask how he's doing. And lately, he's not doing too good. I heard that his wife left him and they are now in a custody battle for the kids and furniture. It's rough so I think he might be holding on to the only thing he can control, how I recieve my email.

I mean I'd talk to him about it but I don't really want to hear him complain about life, I mean that's what you pay a shrink for. Plus if I do talk to him and seem like I really care he'll probably get clingly and then ask me to hang out and I'll tell him I'm too busy and he'll get annoyed and probably not get any of my mail - even if it is like a delicious fruit basket which he KNOWS i'll really enjoy. So count me out of the self pity trip I just can't afford it right now.

As for SPAM, people always ridicule this struggling meat form. I mean we aren't all perfect, I'm sure there are things even super models don't like about their bodies before they go and get plastic surgery to fix it. SPAM has got heart, and you know people are buying it somewhere, most likely a place where the people need TONS of sodium to survive. There SPAM is king. Personally I've never had it but I'm sure it means well. Now Liz, if you want to start your own cheaply packed meat company I say go to the geocery store and buy assorted meats and plastic zip lock bags. Cut up the meat, print out some label, throw it into the zip up with some ice and pretend you hunted it yourself or that it's from france and charge a ridiculous amount of money. Either that or imprint the face of Jesus on everyone and sell them on ebay.

And look I'll try to talk to my email about this problem, but for now I've got a new guy on the side. His name is gmail. So if you need to get your messages through he's your guy just meet up at the docks at midnight. He looks kinda shady but he's really nice. The code word is: colleen.evanson@gmail.com

Happy Trails