Holy FUPA!

Dear Cols,

Today I was prancing about in a craft store when what to my wandering eyes should apprear but the worst fupa I have ever seen in my life. I simultaneously threw up in my mouth and yet could not tear my eyes away. There was a legless woman trying to get by in the aisle and it was a struggle to make myself move out of her way because I could. not. stop. looking. at. the. fupa.
Firstly, its owner was a large, mannish woman. She had buzzed black hair and a face whose features were hard to distinguish. She wore a black shirt which highlighted her glorious/terrible fupa, which was so ginormous it extended a good foot out into the air and then, oh then, a good ways DOWN as well. That things was making a break for it, if you will.

I finally broke off my gaze and wandered, bewildered, to this computer to ask you:

Where do fupas like these come from?
How can I not ever have one?
Will you kill me if I get a fupa like that someday? One that actually seems to be battling my body for independence?

Lovingly yours,

Your hearts truest baker's dozen


Dear [My] Hearts truest baker's dozen,

First of all let me clear up to all those at home who are asking with a furrowed brow what exactly a FUPA is. Well kids, it stands for Fat Upper Pubic Area aka a front butt.

Common among older and or heavier set women it is an excess of fat deposited on the front part of the body just above the pubic bone. FUPAs can be mystical in their size/shape and mesmorizing in their unfortunateness.

A FUPA as severe as you described can come from an underactive thyroid condition but more often then not is a product of overeating and/or underexercising. To avoid such a FUPA I would suggest, as the healthy people do, to try to exercise daily and eat right OR you could just throw up your meals for faster results, but keep in mind vomit tends to sting the nostils.

As for me murdering you...no I don't really have it in me but you might wish that I would kill you because I would most likely verbally abuse you either blatantly or under my breath. You would more than likely become very insecure as I could potentially nickname you Jess FUPA it, a play on Nike's slogan Just Do it. You see I hilariously replaced Just with your name Jess and Do with FUPA for you have done and got yourself one in this hypothetical situation.

Overall if you look on the positive side, perhaps you could glue on some google eyes to the FUPA and draw a nose and mouth. WHAMMY! Instant best friend. You could dress it up like a doll and I would suggest doing so because if you have a FUPA wear it loud and proud, don't try to hide it under a huge pair on Mom Jeans.