The End is Near

March 13, 2006

In a remarkable speech over the weekend, Secretary of Health and Human Services Michael Leavitt recommended that Americans start storing canned tuna and powdered milk under their beds as the prospect of a deadly bird flu outbreak approaches the United States.

What is your opinion on this course of action? Do glasses of rehydrated milk and tuna sandwiches really prevent bird flu?


Dear He Who Is Not Named,

I feel like if I had to close myself off from the world in order to prevent an outbreak of this "bird flu" I would want better food than tuna and milk. That's pretty gross actually. You know I would def risk my health in order to make a run to the 7-11 to pick up a Chipwich (delicious dessert composed of ice-cream that is sandwiched by two big, soft chocolate chip cookies). I would also probably get sick of eating tuna aReal fast. I mean sure it lasts but what about mayo? You need that in order to make tuna eatable. I mean if it's going to stink up the place (and it will) I wouldn't want the smell to remind me of how dry it was without the mayo.

Also let's say I was still lactose intolerant, what am I to drink then? But let's look into this more closely, what's wrong with bottled water, suddenly we're too good for it?

MY emergency plan involves a TV connected to a DVD player, Netflix (delivered to my door so I don't have to go out in public), a 12 pound weight (so I can continue to sculpt my guns), Banana Bread (because it's awesome), Ice Cream (again, awesome), WATER (because its logical), canned goods (peas, creamed corn, cranberry sause), probably some hard liquior (in case I do get bird flu might as well get drunk - though I would probably only get wine coolers and that would take awhile), and then a can of cashews because they are so damn good. Then of course Ramen because they are like 20 cents each.

But colleen, what about meats?

Well I would also just get a fridge and fill it with Oscar Mayer hot dogs AND those small pre-cooked chickens you can get at any supermarket. Those will keep. And I'll just use a microwave or an oven. Maybe I'll do a two for one and get a micro-fridge. After all how long do they think this Bird Flu thing is going to last? It's not the damn ice age its just a pandemic.