California Dreaming

Dear Col,

What the hell is up with all this rain? It's been a few days since I've been able to tell people back east how much better the weather out here is and that sucks.

Shott


Dear Shott (Dan),

First of all sorry for my extreme delay in your question. I was on a vision quest and couldn't return to civilization or I would be excommunicated from my tribe. Anywayz, yes I agree to exclaiming WTF? to the sky a few weeks back. CA is known as the Sunshine state not the Randomly Cold State After Being Really Nice the Other Day State. Which I think we can all agree is too long to put on any bumper sticker or license plate.
However I don't feel we should try to divide ourselves with those friends back home by rubbing it in their face with words. You need to take pictures and send them back. Also it's important to return to NY with a really nice tan and when people comment on it act like its no big deal. I believe it was a wise ninja who once said:

Stick and Stones might make them jealous but an awesome tan is all it takes.

One additional thing I would like to comment on as a NYer is how much California people freak out when driving in the rain like its extremely deadly or something. Its just water not lava. People just can't seem to drive at all, the city just shuts down in many ways. I say this while not even having a car. My eyes have seen this tragedy.

OK its time for me to see if ER is reruning on TV anywhere. PEACE OUT!

Matty Boy

Dear Col,

I was leafing through the reading material at the grocery store checkout line, when I saw your picture in Star magazine. You are apparently being romantically linked to Matthew Perry.

Care to comment?

-Nosy in New Jersey


Dear Nosy in New Jersey,

Well you see I'm a big shot at the Warner Brothers Studio. As an intern I have loads of power. In fact I was the one who gave Aaron Sorkin the idea for West Wing and then he screwed me over claiming it as his own. Jerk. So since it was MY show, I decided to show up to the final taping of the show on Friday night. I chilled with my homes Marty Sheen and Allison J.

Now Aaron is working on this new show called Studio 60 a show about the behind the scenes of an SNL type show. You would think this was my idea but you are wrong. I only helped to finance it. So they are filming the pilot now and as I was kicking it with my crew Aaron stopped by with Mathew Perry (who is in Studio 60). Silly ol' Matt jokingly went to steal a prop from the set when I blocked his way. He couldn't resist how amazingly good looking I am and decided to ask me on a date.

The funniest part is that we have been dating for about a year now so he was just being cute. So yeah it's true. We are dating. And despite him being loaded I usually pay for things when we go out and then just steal the money back from him later when he's not looking.