An Editorial Part B

BEGIN PART 2 and the Bulk of the Essay. See past post to get the scoop.

My SAT Proctoring experience by Colleen Evanson

For starters I would like to state to all those who think this is somehow involved with being a proctologist that you are incorrect. However, I shant deny that sitting in silence for 3 hours and 45 minutes can be considered a pain in the ass.

"So," you ask inquistively, "if this doesn't literally involve butts then what exactly are you doing?"

Good question friend. Well remember back in high school (if you are still in high school use imagination - role play if you will, but not like an internet predator does that's just wrong. I saw a special on Dateline about it.) So remember back in high school when you were told you HAD to take the SAT and it was all important to get into college? Yeah, I get to be the person who talks to you and guides you through this atrocious thing.

I had to get up at like 6:30am to be here at 7:15 so I could collect proper materials and write important junk on the board for you to bubble sheet. I didn't have to slave up a hill barefoot but I like sleeping and also it was raining so there goes the chance to impress all the students by having a choice hair-do. I guess I'll have to default back to my SLAMIN' bod.

Another fun fact is taht the room I sat in was of course hot and humid. There is this one girl still rocking a sweatshirt. It is unclear to me how she is capable of this unless perhaps she forgot to wear a shirt underneath or maybe she hates her body, which is ridiculous because at most she is a size 5 but you know how they vary from store to store. P.S. - Who is in charge of that anyway? As a society I feel that the issue should have been properly handled already.

Anyway, I didn't volunteer for this. I'm not dumb. Volunteer work is for suckers. I am getting paid some sweet sweet money; US currency, which isn't doing as well as the Euro but I'll take it. At least it's not some third world money which is probs made of dirt and sticks. I mean let's be real here, money makes the world go round. I bet you are thinking "yeah I've heard that 1,000 times." Well you know why? Because it's true. Money and ladies because ladies (hot or not and I'm def the former) give birth to babies which turn into people who, guess what? Use money. Some of them babies turn into boys and others girls - that's called society - look it up! I'd say google it but that's such a hackneyed expression now a days. Plus I have seen these ads claiming that Ask.com is better because it associates related topics to your search but that could be false advertising propaganda. Gotta watch out for that, some deals are just too good to be true. Like when stuff is advertised as being 99 cents it's pretty much 1 dollar and then some, like $1.08. I'm sorry but that's 9 more cents than what you advertised for and I just don't have that kind of money - then I have to go and put back the Durag from Dollar King and people are looking at you like you're stupid.
Well I'm not! I went to college at Ithaca - that's a private school not one of those SUNYs. And you know what else? I got in even with my terrible SAT score and not like terrible as in a 1400 instead of 1600, though I hear they changed the scoring system. I mean terrible as in when I got the test score back I started looking for the other half of my points.

If it sounds like I have some issues with this test you would be assuming right, friend of friends. First of all, if you are going to change the scoring system let's make it some thing awesome like kitties and make it a simple 1-5 scale. Second, I'm sorry but this math ish has got to go. If you want to be a math person teacher or some kind of math user in your profession good for you but most don't. This test serves like 5% of the population - IF that. What's some thing everyone uses? Well let's see: the bathroom, TV, a fridge, good, a car, stores to buy things. That's all we need. Let's get our priorities in check.

You may be thinking, "well you're just bitter you didn't do well on the SAT." Yeah, so?! I'm not hiding it. But I'm in the right here. I still got into a smart person school and I studied TV and I'll probs be richer than any math teacher. Even though Notorious BIG said, "mo' money, mo' problems, " which was true for him since he got shot, but that's not going to happen to me. Yes I may rap on the weekends but I'm not hater and I'm going to invest my money into things that are used like toilet paper. I bet stock never goes down in that, no matter what the season. Also overpopulation is more people and more TP needed to serve their daily needs. I mean hello? Are you listening to me here, I'm like a genius.

Screw the SAT I'm going to tell them that in the next 25 minute section they need to draw a picture of a car from the future and name it. That's def more useful than vocabulary because I've been in the "real world" and people who use big words aren't popular. No one likes a smart ass showing it off. No one will know what you're talking about, they'll think you have a god complex and I'm pretty sure the Bible states there is only ONE god, though I'm not too sure how that holy trinity works. I guess God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit join forces making a kind of transformer of gods. Though let's be honest, what power does the Holy Spirit really have? Total third wheel.

If you want some real advice for the future look out for machines, they do everything. Know their weaknesses. You should probably know karate too, that seems to help. Maybe build a metal suit that's light weight so when you karate chop the machine it does some serious damage. Chainmill doesn't count.
The other way to beat robots is to think creatively, think outside the box. As you probably know by now I'm pretty awesome at that so I'll survive the electronic holocaust when it comes. After all there were 3 movies about it. Huh? Three, just like the holy trinity - yeah that's right, coincidence? I think not. Last time I checked movies could also be documentaries meaning everything is true. And I should know - I studied that ish in college. Don't you dare say TV is not the same as a film either. It is too!

In conclusion, I made 95 bucks today and you didn't so I win.

An Editorial Part A

So I know I haven't updated in forevs, but I've been busy enjoying my time back home on LI. However this isn't one of those catch up posts where I talk about what I'm doing, I'm actually going to come up HUGE with a very long post. Basically I proctored an SAT exam and those puppies are like 4 hours long and I only talk for about 10 minutes total. So of course I wrote an essay. Today I would like to post it to the world. Ready? OK!

Please pace yourselves as it is a multi pager.


About the Author:

Colleen Evanson is a vibrant 22 year old who recently graduated from the Ithaca College Park School of Communications. In the Ithaca College placement exam she was deemed an effective writer. This is her first essay about proctoring the SAT exam.

Preface:

I got the idea for this essay while sitting at a teachers desk in the silence of the SAT exam. Luckily the teacher had loose leaf paper which is, I'm happy to point out, more than 3 hole punched for your conveinence.

I had written essays before while working as an Orientation Leader at IC where I was a proctor for the writing placement exam. So I guess you could argue that this proctoring experience was meant to be.

This essay is much longer than the ones I wrote at Ithaca perhaps because the exam time was shorter there. Clearly there is more time to kill when I decide to go and write a preface.

END PART ONE

California Dreaming

Dear Col,

What the hell is up with all this rain? It's been a few days since I've been able to tell people back east how much better the weather out here is and that sucks.

Shott


Dear Shott (Dan),

First of all sorry for my extreme delay in your question. I was on a vision quest and couldn't return to civilization or I would be excommunicated from my tribe. Anywayz, yes I agree to exclaiming WTF? to the sky a few weeks back. CA is known as the Sunshine state not the Randomly Cold State After Being Really Nice the Other Day State. Which I think we can all agree is too long to put on any bumper sticker or license plate.
However I don't feel we should try to divide ourselves with those friends back home by rubbing it in their face with words. You need to take pictures and send them back. Also it's important to return to NY with a really nice tan and when people comment on it act like its no big deal. I believe it was a wise ninja who once said:

Stick and Stones might make them jealous but an awesome tan is all it takes.

One additional thing I would like to comment on as a NYer is how much California people freak out when driving in the rain like its extremely deadly or something. Its just water not lava. People just can't seem to drive at all, the city just shuts down in many ways. I say this while not even having a car. My eyes have seen this tragedy.

OK its time for me to see if ER is reruning on TV anywhere. PEACE OUT!

Matty Boy

Dear Col,

I was leafing through the reading material at the grocery store checkout line, when I saw your picture in Star magazine. You are apparently being romantically linked to Matthew Perry.

Care to comment?

-Nosy in New Jersey


Dear Nosy in New Jersey,

Well you see I'm a big shot at the Warner Brothers Studio. As an intern I have loads of power. In fact I was the one who gave Aaron Sorkin the idea for West Wing and then he screwed me over claiming it as his own. Jerk. So since it was MY show, I decided to show up to the final taping of the show on Friday night. I chilled with my homes Marty Sheen and Allison J.

Now Aaron is working on this new show called Studio 60 a show about the behind the scenes of an SNL type show. You would think this was my idea but you are wrong. I only helped to finance it. So they are filming the pilot now and as I was kicking it with my crew Aaron stopped by with Mathew Perry (who is in Studio 60). Silly ol' Matt jokingly went to steal a prop from the set when I blocked his way. He couldn't resist how amazingly good looking I am and decided to ask me on a date.

The funniest part is that we have been dating for about a year now so he was just being cute. So yeah it's true. We are dating. And despite him being loaded I usually pay for things when we go out and then just steal the money back from him later when he's not looking.

Movin' on Up

Dear Col,

I'm going to be moving into my new apartment in a few days, and want to make sure to impress all of my new neighbors.

Do you have any advice on how to become the coolest and most popular guy on the block?

-Patrick


Dear Patrick,

There are the classic tricks to get everyone to notice you like putting up christmas lights all year long, the pink flamingo, a wonderfully embroidered flag displaying the season, or making your apartment resemble a crack house - that one really gets the gossip going.

However I feel the way to become the coolest kid is to appear to know celebrities. Let's face it, if you can name drop people will want to get to know you so they can meet these celebs and feel important. I feel the best way to fake it is to steal or collect cardboard cut outs of celebs. I'm sure you could find a star wars character, an athlete, and probably tom cruise hanging out in stores. I feel you could do what Kevin did in the Home Alone franchise. Make it look like these celebs crash at your house by attaching them to a toy train set so it seems that they are gliding in and out of the rooms in your house. You should probably also play your music pretty loud so people want to see where it's coming from. May I suggest a classic like Mambo Number 5?

The End is Near

March 13, 2006

In a remarkable speech over the weekend, Secretary of Health and Human Services Michael Leavitt recommended that Americans start storing canned tuna and powdered milk under their beds as the prospect of a deadly bird flu outbreak approaches the United States.

What is your opinion on this course of action? Do glasses of rehydrated milk and tuna sandwiches really prevent bird flu?


Dear He Who Is Not Named,

I feel like if I had to close myself off from the world in order to prevent an outbreak of this "bird flu" I would want better food than tuna and milk. That's pretty gross actually. You know I would def risk my health in order to make a run to the 7-11 to pick up a Chipwich (delicious dessert composed of ice-cream that is sandwiched by two big, soft chocolate chip cookies). I would also probably get sick of eating tuna aReal fast. I mean sure it lasts but what about mayo? You need that in order to make tuna eatable. I mean if it's going to stink up the place (and it will) I wouldn't want the smell to remind me of how dry it was without the mayo.

Also let's say I was still lactose intolerant, what am I to drink then? But let's look into this more closely, what's wrong with bottled water, suddenly we're too good for it?

MY emergency plan involves a TV connected to a DVD player, Netflix (delivered to my door so I don't have to go out in public), a 12 pound weight (so I can continue to sculpt my guns), Banana Bread (because it's awesome), Ice Cream (again, awesome), WATER (because its logical), canned goods (peas, creamed corn, cranberry sause), probably some hard liquior (in case I do get bird flu might as well get drunk - though I would probably only get wine coolers and that would take awhile), and then a can of cashews because they are so damn good. Then of course Ramen because they are like 20 cents each.

But colleen, what about meats?

Well I would also just get a fridge and fill it with Oscar Mayer hot dogs AND those small pre-cooked chickens you can get at any supermarket. Those will keep. And I'll just use a microwave or an oven. Maybe I'll do a two for one and get a micro-fridge. After all how long do they think this Bird Flu thing is going to last? It's not the damn ice age its just a pandemic.

Project Runway

Dear Col,

I know that you may have fallen behind with the Project Runway finale, as well as our budding friendship, but I was just curious to know what your feelings about the short and unexpected victory of cloe were. I know that I am a total "Dan Fan" as are you, so tell me what you think as I am almost appauled.

Thanks.
Confused in Building T

Dear Confused in Building T,

well I talked to my brother about this just the other day. He saw the finale and I still have not. He told me that Daniels stuff was good but not what you expected. I was rooting for Dan, though I felt oddly hopeful for Santino. I feel that they semi-redeemed him in the episode before the last. Showing his softer side that was less cocky asshole and more like the Dad from Seventh Heaven who gives you pearls of wisdom and cries alot - I know Santino didn't really cry but I feel like that Dad is always on the verge of tears at the end of that show - not that I watch it, I saw it a couple times in High School because my friend Liz thought the cheesiness of it was hilarious.

I'm glad Cloe won for a few reasons. One she is a lady and the other two were men, gay men, but men nonetheless. I don't quite understand how gay men are able to design more clothes for the ladies than ladies do. So yay for her to represent. Second she is asian and I HEART asians. There are stereotypes that they are very smart and like to eat rice and their language sounds funny to us BUT true or untrue they are awesome and amazingly good at Dance Dance Revolution. Perhaps this is why she won, she threw her Asian Invasion our way.

Hmmm...I wonder if she sews with chop sticks?

No 24?! WHAT?!??

Dear Col,

I just saw this weeks episodes of 24. Can we please all have a moment of silence for the fallen hero (name left out incase anyone else hasn't seen it yet)?

-Shott

Dear (Dan) Shott,

Yeah how about we not talk about it because Colleen missed it and this is a tragedy upon all others. We can have a moment of silence for me and the unfortunate situation I find myself in. Now I will have to illegally download it. See what happens when you don't have Tivo?! I don't see how the govt or who ever is in charge of catching people who download stuff can justify themselves. They are hunting down us poor college kids who can't afford any cable or even a TV with rabbit ears. How else I am supposed to watch the quality TV I missed?! Alas, I am forced into a corner - which thankfully has a computer with internet. Score!

Why did you miss it col? And why aren't you around a TV?

Good question. I'm in NY staying with some college friends who don't have TV or Cable. How they can live like this, I have no idea. At least steal it from someone! So here I am sans my 24. I might as well have died - inside a little, well not really a little but a bunch. The media consuming part of my soul has def taken a blow, that's for sure.

Worst part is, I might miss it again this coming Monday. This is very unacceptable. So if anyone knows where the best place to download this extremely necessary piece of television entertainment please share. For I refer to it as my visual crack and if I go without it for more than 2 weeks you know I'll be tweaking aREAL soon.