Spider Man 3

Dear Col,

What's up with Spider-Man? With that new black suit, it looks like he's gone all Emo for his new movie. Does Peter Parker shop at Hot Topic? Is he trying to jump on the whole Johnny Cash bandwagon after the critical success of Walk the Line?

http://spiderman.sonypictures.com/

-MJ

Dear MJ,

As someone who has been a part of the spiderman series as a major love interest to SpiderMan I am saddened to hear that you have forgotten your comic book past. I mean I didnt even read the comics but even I know about the black suit. In the comic books Spider Man starts getting insecure about the way he looks and while channel surfing he sees A Makeover Story on TLC, he auditions and they make him over. The Black Suit, made of fine Italian Silk, was tailored to him to make him feel dressier but he feels out of place. He's not sure if it was a good idea to make himself over, he starts to regret this decision especially after TLC reruns only that episode God only knows how many times. It's like everytime you turn on the channel that's all they ever play, tht and trading spaces - which I used to be really into back in High School but then the thrill really wore off, especially when all the designers I knew and loved showed up less and less. Also I mean how many times can I watch people freak out over there new place?

So in the end he realizes that what he needed was not a makeover but a makebetter. And we all know the best people for the job are the Fab Five from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, only a bad guy has taken them. I don't want to give the ENTIRE plot away but he goes to save them and some crazy ish happens. It should be a cinematic treat. I'm looking forward to it - I just can't get enough of that Carson he's just hilarious.

Holy FUPA! Follow up

jessiblasko said...
Also, do you think it is allowable to refer to something spectacular as "Fupa-dupa" or is that just not allowed?

Jess,

I would highly encourage the use of "Fupa-dupa." It even sounds like one of the bad guys from Mario Brothers so that can be you cover in case people look at you like you are crazy.

Cranium

Dear Col,

On a scale of superhero to god amoung men, where would you rate Ben Crane?

-Shott


Dear Shott,

Just some info for those who don't attend Ithaca College or have taken any class with Ben Crane. "Who is this fool?" you ask. Well friend, he's kinda like an evil genius. If you want to your have mind blown I suggest you take his Critical Thinking class where he continually blows your mind and then during finals week he breaks your spirit and disproves that Jesus ever existed.

Placing him within this scale is rather hard. I feel hes more in the middle of mad scientist/evil genius. I was his TA for half a year and took two of his classes so I've been around him for quite some time. At first meeting he can appear to be a god amoung men but getting to know him he's kinda like that grandpa who always tells you war stories over and over and you humor him by saying, "yes, ben that's nice" when he starts one you have heard 1,000 times already.

If he did acquire super hero powers I think he would appear rather hilarious in some tight fitting outfit - all black of course. But I could easily see him in league with Magnito from Xmen, not that he's evil but just that he's just too much smarter than everyone else. I dont doubt that he is some super agent spy. He would totally kick Tom Cruises ass with his mind bullets that's for DAMN sure.

Holy FUPA!

Dear Cols,

Today I was prancing about in a craft store when what to my wandering eyes should apprear but the worst fupa I have ever seen in my life. I simultaneously threw up in my mouth and yet could not tear my eyes away. There was a legless woman trying to get by in the aisle and it was a struggle to make myself move out of her way because I could. not. stop. looking. at. the. fupa.
Firstly, its owner was a large, mannish woman. She had buzzed black hair and a face whose features were hard to distinguish. She wore a black shirt which highlighted her glorious/terrible fupa, which was so ginormous it extended a good foot out into the air and then, oh then, a good ways DOWN as well. That things was making a break for it, if you will.

I finally broke off my gaze and wandered, bewildered, to this computer to ask you:

Where do fupas like these come from?
How can I not ever have one?
Will you kill me if I get a fupa like that someday? One that actually seems to be battling my body for independence?

Lovingly yours,

Your hearts truest baker's dozen


Dear [My] Hearts truest baker's dozen,

First of all let me clear up to all those at home who are asking with a furrowed brow what exactly a FUPA is. Well kids, it stands for Fat Upper Pubic Area aka a front butt.

Common among older and or heavier set women it is an excess of fat deposited on the front part of the body just above the pubic bone. FUPAs can be mystical in their size/shape and mesmorizing in their unfortunateness.

A FUPA as severe as you described can come from an underactive thyroid condition but more often then not is a product of overeating and/or underexercising. To avoid such a FUPA I would suggest, as the healthy people do, to try to exercise daily and eat right OR you could just throw up your meals for faster results, but keep in mind vomit tends to sting the nostils.

As for me murdering you...no I don't really have it in me but you might wish that I would kill you because I would most likely verbally abuse you either blatantly or under my breath. You would more than likely become very insecure as I could potentially nickname you Jess FUPA it, a play on Nike's slogan Just Do it. You see I hilariously replaced Just with your name Jess and Do with FUPA for you have done and got yourself one in this hypothetical situation.

Overall if you look on the positive side, perhaps you could glue on some google eyes to the FUPA and draw a nose and mouth. WHAMMY! Instant best friend. You could dress it up like a doll and I would suggest doing so because if you have a FUPA wear it loud and proud, don't try to hide it under a huge pair on Mom Jeans.

Mo Money, Mo Problems

Dear Col,

Can you spot me $5? I'm a bit short right now, but I'll pay you back on Friday when I get paid.

-Patrick

Dear Patrick,

Just because I'm rollin in the sweet sweet money from my non-paid internships Mon-Fri doesn't mean I can just go out to my money machine and give lots of it to you. Plus you live in NY and I in CA, so you forgot to factor in the mailing fee. So I'd really be lending you like 5.39 and we both know you would never really give me the 39 cents back because anything lower than 50 doesn't really count when paying people back. If it were 5.50 then I bet you would dig for a couple of quaters and if you were feeling generous you'd give me 6 bucks and charmingly quip - "Keep the change"

You can count me out of this business exchange. Why not just sing on the streets. Wear sunglasses and ratty clothes, get a cane if you can so people think you are blind. Simpathy money is your best bet. But if you want some serious cash why not ask people to donate to charity or steal from the church offerings when no one is looking.

the evil from within

dear col,

while you're living the dream could you track down the evil demons who play all their comercials at the same time on while i'm channel surfing. i find this really annoying and would appreciate it if you could stop them. use any super powers at your disposal. thanx

Dear No Name,

Seeing that I'm now on a break from living the dream, a very short one - destiny needs me back in a few - I'll inform you that the evil demons don't hold any stock in advertising. You see calling these commercials evil demons are a way for you to distance yourself from the truth that there are people, perhaps decent, perhaps clueless, making a living off of these ads. They have mouths to feed too. These are semi-honest American citizens who value money, annoying others, and cranking out bad ideas. They aren't that different from you and me, except that I'm really awesome and they might not be up to par.

I say if you are aware of the problem don't just keep blaming it, change it. Why not take up a job in advertising and make some good/hilarious ads. Channel your negative debbie downer self into a Johnny CAN DO! (I'm not really sure Johnny can do has ever been used before but feel free to run with it).

Either that or get Tivo I hear you can fast forward and pause live TV and you know where I got that info from? ...An ad.

Oh Bea...

Col,

Is it true the Bea Arthur is infact immortal?

If so, will she just continue to age forever? And is that why she is so tall, so she has room to shrink?

If not, why has she been old for so long? How does one start off their career as an old woman and twenty years later STILL be an old woman?

Lastly, could it be possible the Bea Arthur and Angela Lansbury are the same person? Or part of the same immortal cult?

Discuss.
-Merry

Dear Merry,

I can't answer your questions directly as I fear prosecution for knowing too much but let's just say a certain Golden Girl pay have several "clones" that were made along with several other "Dick Clarks" in order to be a part of the media for a long long time. How is this cost effective? Well there is a fixed salary and they know the ins and outs so you don't have to train some tool like Carson Daily. Second they are familiar faces that make everyone feel comfortable and willing to trust them because after all, "they've been around forever." - that isn't a quote that was me playing the naive parent who listens to the programs these people are a part of - if you dare to call them people anymore.

No offense, I love Bea Arthur. She's got a lot of manly features going for her as a giant old lady. Maybe she has that disease that kids have when they age really fast, looking around 90 when they are 12 or so, except sadly those kids dont make it to 13 and she clearly has. Perhaps in her sitcom years she traveled around the set and discovered a weird fountain of youth that doesn't really work.

To answer the Angela Lansbury question, absolutely. I mean after all Robin Williams was able to look like some old woman after putting on some make up in the hilarious cinematic adventure entitled Mrs.Doubtfire. If he can fool us I'm sure she can. Either that or she is just a variation on the Bea Arthur clone.

Who Dis?

Dear Col,

Why don't you ever answer my emails?

-fReeC1aliS4L1fe

Dear crazy long name,

Who are you? For your name shant ring a bell in my mind. Perhaps we were friends a long frost back when all we cared to do was survive. Perhaps I looked once longingly into your eyes and you felt that you were home. If this is the case it is possible that I wasn't looking at you but through you and at the vending machine behind you where I dreamnt of eating a Pop Tart - Brown Sugar that is - and that's not supposed to be a sexually charged racial preference joke I really do enjoy the Brown Sugar Pop Tarts, in fact I would claim them as my faves.

Perhaps we were once together in a past life and now you feel the need to reconnect. Well guess what? I've moved on I'm Colleen Evanson now, I'm 22 and living in CA and trying to live the dream and I just don't know where you fit in there, especially since you are but a ghost to me. Ay me these times are hard and full of complications. So I turn my eyes towards you once again and ask, "Could you spare the lady a pop tart?"

Chuck Norris

Dear Col,

Who do you think would win in a fight, Walker, Texas Ranger or Batman?

-Pat


Dear Pat,

C'mon. Let's think about that question. The only real challenge to Walker Texas Ranger/Chuck Norris is Jack Baur. This battle royal is so hardcore its got it own website.

http://www.jackvschuck.com/

Jack Baur is what I would call a worthy adversary. I don't want to go and ruin the conclusion so why don't you all conduct your own research to end the suspense. However I can share with you some of Chuck Norris's Principles for Life.

There are 12 of them...much like the 12 deciples from the Bible...is this a coincidence? I think not. Chuck Norris could be Jesus. Roundhouse kicking the devil out o' here. But I digress...as said there are 12 of them but they all are very redundent so I'll share one that really embodies all of them:

"I will work for the good in all people and make them feel worthwhile."

Anyone who feel compelled to learn more from the master and perhaps start a cult based on these teachings please visit this website: www.chucknorris.com
it would be really easy because he already has a book aka religious text called Against All Odds. ALSO there is a program appropriately called Kick Start. It's all about TEAM. You know.

Truth
Esteem
Attitude
Motivation

Team...Let us pray.

The Power of Science

Anonymous said...

My friends and I watched a tennis ball float in the air. Quantum Physics, relational motion activity. It was good except for the gravitational pull ceased to recede after the third degree.

Can you share why this might have happened? I follow your blog and most of the loosers that post on it seem to be wasting your time. Just so you know.


Dear Anonymous,

I tend to agree with the wasting of my time and as such I shant answer them crazy ass questions.

As for physics I DEF took that class and I FOR SURE know all the things you are talking about - just so you know. Your use of the word Quantum may seem intimidating to others yet it brings a warm sense of nostalgia to me. This is because through the notion of word association I have managed to disregard your actual question and focused my mind on the show Quantum Leap.

Man, what a glorious idea. You see a man uses the power of science and cheesy early 90s graphics to LEAP through time and take the shape of any person, man or woman, in order to fix a wrong in their life. For example, one time he was this singer who was going to probs die but then he figured out a way to fix things so he didn't die and as soon as he did that the power of science threw him into another body and viewers had another reason to come back next week.

Now I'm sure this must have messed with his true sense of identity, being other people all the time. I mean look at child actors, they go nuts on coke. I never really watched til the end but it must have been a hard life, especially since he only had one consistant friend who no one else could see cuz he was like his crazy assistant giving him info about the person he was. I'm sure if must have been awkward if they ever got into a fight and weren't talking.

But as fun as it would be to travel around being other people, I'm sure the show had to end somewhere I just don't know where and I don't have the decency to look up how it ended. Though I'm hoping he got sent back to his wife and perhaps kids and in a full loving embrace a single golden glistening tear streamed down his cheek.

Roll Credits.