My Peeps

TJeezy said...
Dear Col,

Since you are in the gang capital of thw world now Bloods or Crips whats your choice?

Dear TJeezy,

Its a tough choice. Neither group has approached me so I'm not really sure if I want to join at all. I feel it would make more sense to join the Bloods because blood is an essential part of humans, blood can also relate to family, and also when you murder the other gang members you see blood. But again I haven't gotten a call from them but I also didnt fax over my resume because I feel I might not be qualified to join.

I'd much rather join a different gang like The Golden Girls. I mean there are only 4 of them so there is room for expansion. They are getting pretty old too so it might be best if i become the leader and recruite some peeps. only problem is i'm not a hilarious senior citizen. but let's not kid, i am hilarious. I'll go looking for some back up at the next bingo night at the rec hall. and when we get together and kill people we can just be like oh no i stop taking my meds or be like I'm senile. peace out court system we are getting off!

Love is in the Air

So... um... somebody should ask you SOMEthing...

DEAR COL,

So, you're becoming experienced in hobnobbing with the stars and with getting yourself into the right place at the right time to land fabulous Hollywood opportunities...

Also, people from Ithaca have all sorts of success in getting DATES WITH CELEBRITIES (link to my date with drew).

So, can you give a guy some advice on how to attract the attention of a certain Miss Natalie Portman? I figure that living on Long Island is step one... ACCOMPLISHED.

-Patrick


Dear Patrick,

A date with Ms. Portman is within your grasp. See the best way to run into her is going where she is. So your next step should be to bump into her at the work place. You'll see to get onto the sets of movies she is working on. Or maybe even better, pretend you are a director from like France or something and you want her in your new movie. You could probably hire some friends or other actors to be assistants, rent out a room, and have her audition for you. Then she'll most likely fall in love with you.

Another option is to maybe set her house on fire and save her from it. And if you are on Long Island where she lives you could probably google map her house. You might want to watch movies like Backdraft or Ladder 49 to gain some quick firefighter skills. Once you save her life she'll probably want to chat with you and then WHAM falls in love. So easy.

Chow down

dear col,

would you say the market for freeze-dried chow packs in central New York is growing? If so, what would you say the net benefits are?
Love,
Insane in Ithaca


Dear Insane in Ithaca,

I don't really know what the hell you are talking about in regards to this "chow" do you mean dog chow or the slang term for chow as in food. I want to believe its dog because you mention they come in packs but you also mention they are freeze-dried and that's more like people. Perhaps you are a centeur and are trying to mask as a human. Guess what? You can't fool me slick. I know you guys because I read Harry Potter, you look to the stars N junk to tell your future. So I'd say to keep checking out the sky and being all earthy. I'm sure you'll find your answer there.

As for net benefits, you are half human so you might want to keep that low profile as some companies might be afraid to let you hold any stock or banks may shy away from you having an account. I personally think its crap, you are still half human so you should get at least half a bank account but I'm not the one making the rules. Take it up with the gov't or your local congressman. Or better yet, run for President I'm sure you would be rather popular, especially if your VP could be a unicorn. That would be awesome. I'd vote for you.

Whatcha gonna do?

DEAR COL,

Throughout my life I have traveled from the halls of existence to the small stillbie markets of the southern northwest. I have seen so many things and people and dogs and fake tans, but really I just have one question:

What are you going to do with all that junk, all that junk that's in your trunk? What are you going to do with all them ass, all them ass inside those jeans?
This question has just been PLAGUING me.

Please help,

Forever yours,

Your heart's truest wish.


Dear Your (My) heart's truest wish,

Well if I were to consult the Black Eye Peas I know that Fergie would tell me to make you scream - m-m-make you scream. However, I am not Fergie. It's really a matter of storage. The junk in my trunk doesn't take up too much room - I have an emergency safety kit, jumper cables, some extra water for the radiator, a first aid kit, spare wheel, and an old ratty blanket. There is able room for other things but what else would I need? Perhaps if my ride was pimped I could get a DJ turntable set or a Playstation 2 system with TVs but alas Exhibit has not visited so I must go without it. So I guess the junk in my trunk stays, but I don't consider it junk, I consider it an assortment of things.

As for my jeans and the ass that occupies them..well, it really depends. I wear jeans for all sorts of things. I can go casual with just a tshirt, or dress them up with a blazer. I favor wearing jeans over other pant materials now a days. The ass tends to be doing internships, walking around LA, occasionally riding the bus, and watching tv in my apartment. So there is exercise and calmness for my ass inside my jeans.

Hope that answers your question and you are no longer plagued...and I would get that checked out if it doesn't go away because I'm pretty sure the plague hasn't been around in like forevs. You could be a flight risk to the rest of the human race if you are walking around in public with that ish.

Choices

DEAR COL,

I am 21, and my sister "Callie" is 23. I'm having a problem with her boyfriend, "Jared." When he comes to our house, he constantly belittles me. He calls me names and makes degrading comments about my intelligence, my weight, and just about anything else you can think of.

Callie is present when Jared makes the majority of the comments, but says nothing. I have told him in no uncertain terms that I don't appreciate the way he speaks to me, and it has reached the point that I don't want to be in the same room with them.

I feel Callie should be the one to tell him he's out of line, but she refuses. She says I'm being "too sensitive," and I should accept Jared because he's a part of her life.

I don't feel I should have to force myself to be polite to someone who obviously has no consideration for my feelings. My family is planning a trip in a few weeks, and I know Callie will want to bring Jared. I don't want to go if he's going to be there, but I don't want to look like the bad guy. What's the best way to tell my family I won't be able to attend the outing this year?

-- HURT IN SACRAMENTO, CALIF.

Dear Hurt in Sacramento, Calif.,

You know one of the things I really value is honesty. Don't pretend to be nice to this person who doesn't deserve it. If he's an asshole, tell him so. You dont have to necessarily fight fire with fire but you don't have to cater to this person. Tell your family you don't like the way he treats you and if they don't listen you could always go over the top and hire a private eye to supply you with ample proof of this mistreatment. If you can't afford an Private Eye, then just be one yourself. Buy a tape recorder, tap the phones, get a digital camera, and a trench coat. I bet that glasses and mustache disguise will throw anyone off so you better invest in that too.

Once you have the proof you have your case. If your family won't listen to this hard hitting evidence you have a few options. One is eliminate this Jared, who clearly sucks at life. You could go down the route for murder, or kidnapping, this way you really dont have to see him on this trip bc he won't be there - though i bet they cancle the trip after hearing the news. Be careful of murder though, technology now a days can get you with this DNA stuff.

The second option is to wait around for a Fairy Godmother to appear. This will take a whole lot of a-wishing and a-hoping. For further guidance in the matter I suggest renting and viewing Cinderella.

The Analogy

This is not a write in but rather an editorial. An important subject came up tonight in my apartment among my roommates and I. We got into a conversation regarding some human beings whom we feel passionate about. Words were exchanged and in the end I had the winning statement.

"Carson Daily is a tool belt and Ryan Seacrest is a toolbox."

To which Tamika closed the debate with an "I agree with that."

Home Work

Who Else writes...

dear col,
did you do your homework today? you weren't late for class, were you. that may give people the impression that you're not interested in the pursuit of knowledge anymore.

who else

Dear who else,

No I have not done my homework and you know what? I'm going to do it last minute after forgetting I'm supposed to have read something and then I'll half ass the reading - skimming through so fast there is no way I'll understand the material but as long as I fly through the pages I'll feel like I'm doing the work - and then in class I'll hope the teacher doesn't call on me and if he does I can kinda squint my eyes and look up as if trying to remember like I did spend time reading it but because I'm such a good student I read it early in the week - too early in fact because I can't recall it now. So in conclusion not doing my homework will make me look like an overachiever. As for knowledge, hello, I'm in the entertainment business thats the LAST thing i need.
Clearly you must be one of those suckers who is pulling to be a doctor or lawyer, some dead end job.

Hilariously Cruel in Ithaca writes...

Dear Col,
I was wondering how big a persons feet have to be in combination with really small hands to win that person "little person" status?
Love,
Hilariously Cruel in Ithaca

P.S. Write me an email or we're through.
P.P.S. Your admirer says hi, with a really awkward half wave.


Dear Hilariously Cruel in Ithaca,

Well I don't quite know the schematics involved with the "little people" evaluation process. But I assume that their hands are half the size of mine making them around 4/5 inches. I imagine them much like a 3 year olds hand, kinda chubby and very small. Now I assume their feet are very little too because the rest of their bodies aren't that big either. So ifthe hand is about 3.5 inches in length I assume the foot it probably a few inches bigger than that making it around 5 inches. That's my expert opinion.

And as for your PS with having to email you. Please I'm the one with the website here with people writing in. You need to pencil in some time and call my secretary which just so happens to be myself because i'm a small centralized company. But you do the research and find my email. Like I have time for this "keeping in touch" business...please

No Hablo Espanol

Pat said...
Dear Col,

You went to a MANDATORY taping of FREDDIE?

My God, Col. I didn't know Ithaca LA condoned torture.

Now, my burning (zesty) question. Have you discovered, as I have, the joys of finding Mexican food in the greater Los Angeles area? Say what you want about the fantasmic cuisine of New York, but you can't find a decent enchilada here (prove me wrong, NY... prove me wrong...).

-Patrick

Dear Pat,

I have not had the pleasure of authentic mexican food yet. However I have done a very American thing and become addicted to a McDonald owned chain of mexican like food called Chipotle, perhaps you've heard of it. I hate that I'm giving money to McDonalds but it doesn't look at all like it so I forget. I am consuming many of their chicken burritos and I rock out a free drink with my student ID so its only about 5.75 and I'm full for at least 3 hours afterwards. However my roommates and I are eager to try some small mom and pop shops around here.

I will let you know when I eat some that is aREAL good.

the "Awesomer" Coast

Anonymous said...
Dear Col,

In the time I was out in LA, I came to the conclusion that people there were stupider than people out here in the "right" coast. I mean, they elected Schwarzenegger for governor. You might as well elect Vin Diesel or Jean-Claude Van Damme (note to California: PLEASE don't).

Why do you suppose that is? Is it because we get a three hour head start on the day while they're still asleep in their beds? Is it because Saturday Night "Live" actually MEANS something to us? Or is it more scientific, like the well-proven fact that we're just far awesomer than them?

-Self Righteous in Smithtown

Dear Self Righteous in Smithtown,

You make some very good points full of irrefutable facts. However, without cited sources of this claim I have to be skeptical. Don't get me wrong I know that New York and the East Coast keep it real and rock it to the wee hours of dawn, but CA ain't so bad. Yes there is a movie star as Governor but we all make mistakes and I've heard from people living here that they were sick of politicians. I mean let's be honest if you saw that Will Smith or Steven Segal where running for president wouldn't you be tempted to vote for them just because it was there. It's like the joke write in vote that you and your buddies do in school elections but somehow everyone else voted for this person too and your joke becomes reality.

I havent really seen that people are dumber around here mostly because my exposure comes from the east coast people around here with me. However, while attending a mandator taping of Freddie, the piece o' crap sitcom curtosy of Freddie Prinze Jr., I noticed a lot of misplaced values. Like the woman sitting next to me had bleached out her hair so bad it was fried and her kids and their friends were too skinny for 11 year olds AND they were dressed in little flared jeans, fancy belt, and blazers. Most of the actresses on this show I feel have never touched food. They were just too skinny that they looked unhealthy when we saw them up close. Hence the reason there are more cases of eating disorders out here - thanks girls!

So mostly I've realized how ridiculously misplaced the values are in SOME people, because if you look away from the audition rooms you see people who look like they eat. But it is as I've said before kind of like a glorified High School environment. The cool kids run the show and a lot of people are concerned with their appearance and especially with their cars. I barely spot any toyotas or hondas, its all BMW, Audie, Mercedez, etc. Which reminds me, the little girls all dressed up were named Chandler and Mercedez.

Note to self: don't raise kids in Hollywood.

In conclusion, as east coast people know, the east coast is awesome in many ways, but so is the west coast. It is hard to put my east coast bias aside in labeling which one is as you say, "awesomer" but after spending some more time I'm sure I'll have a clearer answer for you. Right now I'm courting CA, we'll see if it gets serious.

The Scoop

Anonymous said...
dear col, what's new?

Well Anonymous,

Many many things are new. First of all I've been sending out resumes and cover letters like it's my job. The fax machine has become a good, good friend. Hopefully it won't become my real job at any internship, that would suck - as they say. I have even branched away from the Ithaca Internship Database and found some numbers on IMDPpro. Signed up for the 14 day trail and WHAMMY I got the direct number to a director of 24. And YEP I called and left a message which I hope wasn't sketchy. Though I bet the heavy breathing was a mistake...

The best news I do have is that I was offered an internship yesterday. It's for the West Wing and it's not just bitch work. I would get to be on set, sit in on meetings, read the scripts when they first come out, shadow people. So I'll probably accept it on Monday. However, I am looking for another internship to fill up the week. Perhaps at a little indie place.

Also i got the balls to call up Arrested Development and they just finished wrapping so no job for me. DRAT!

In other smaller news, I've went to work out in the fitness center they have here and when I got inside I was interrupted several times by the fitness trainer guy named Mike. First of all, when you have headphones on it a gym that means don't bother me. But 5 seconds in I hear - CAN YOU HEAR ME?!

Naturally my polite self takes off the headphones. This was my major mistake. He proceeds to inquire about my "muscular legs" and where I got them from. For the record they are from soccer which I havent played in 4 years but they still decieved him into thinking I was some "tremendous athlete." Yeah sure, an athlete who can't really jog for over 5 mins without taking many breaks. Clearly this guy is awesome at his job.

But the fun doesn't end there. He then comes across the gym to talk to me. And he tells me his life story about being smashed in the face, needing surgery, recover, how he has a world record in the bench press, his kids - he shows me pictures, how he trained the Giants football team at one point. Writing that now I'm impressed I remembered it all because I still had my headphones going. Never the less he keeps interrupting me and I have to leave. I mean what is that? I finally get the desire to work out here and Mike goes and ruins it. Good thing the gym here is free. And I'll be working out at night from now on when he is not around.

maja said...
Dear Col,

How many game shows have you signed up for yet?
When is the Mother/Daughter week?

------------

Dear Maja,

I have not signed up for any shows yet but I do see a trip to Price is Right quite soon. As an RA we host events and this is one of them, in fact there will most likely be several trips and I expect to win the showcase showdown not one but TWO times. I know what you are thinking, but I will just change my name the second time around to something like Lady Fantastic or Jane Doe and they won't suspect a thing.

As for Mother/Daughter week I'll have to ask my internship if perhaps there can be a bring your mom to work day like in elementary school. But first I need an internship so after that is done I'll have my people call the house and set up an appointment for you.

Much love,
Col

Dear Anonymous,

I know who you are and I'm not going to respond because I don't really like you, so there.

PS - please send money and food

Dear Envious in Elmira,

Yes, LA is stereotyped as being fun of vanity. I have often thought of Hollywood as a type of glorified high school for adults. As I sat around outside in the glorious 70 degree weather eating a chicken burrito I decided to look around at the people walking by me. Yes many are in decent shape, I did spot some not so steller bodies. So you know, people in LA are still people too. But some of them just look much better than you and are above you.

If you are interested in getting down with some of this I encourage you to get a flight from Jet Blue. They have 36 channels of direct TV. I managed to enjoy most of a celebrity poker champions game although I didnt get to see who won - this chick Kathy from Veronic's closet who was rackin up the chips OR the dad from 7th Heaven who made a crazy bet. They were about to reveal it when we landed and they turn it all off. So if anyone knows please end my suspence.

Attention All

It has happened. I'm off to LA Sunday via Jet Blue. Now that the site is up I am ready to field any questions, comments, or concerns anyone out there may have.

So now it's up to you to make me do something. Leave a comment and it shall be answered. Only thing I ask is to begin all posts with DEAR COL.